u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
