i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Randomize
