9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
