peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.
Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?
You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize