I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
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