remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
