Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
Randomize
