we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Randomize
