On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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