i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Just threw up off a chairlift. my life is now complete.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
