So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Randomize
