You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
