After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
