I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
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