I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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