All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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