You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
