today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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