So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
