guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
get to allyx's house asap
Ok is everything ok
Yeah, theres just lesbians
omg yes on my way
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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