My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I just watched a video of Justin Bieber kissing a girl..... the sad thing is that I actually got upset.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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