I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
