dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
zippers are such a cool invention
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
