my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
