How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
