I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
