its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
