Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Randomize
