i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Send help, water and tortillas.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Randomize
