"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Randomize
