Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
