I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
