omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Randomize
