I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
Randomize