Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
nothing this campus sells is worth it. not even sex.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
