I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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