Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
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