If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
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