Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
