Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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