He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
