Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
we are not getting arrested this weekend. I don't care who I have to blow its just not happening.
Randomize
