yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
