just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I can't put those talents on a resume
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
