dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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