3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
My next goal in this relationship is to teach my boyfriend that there are valid reasons to be fear of dolphins completely.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
