you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
