there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Less talking, more tequila
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
