well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
