I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Randomize
