a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
you have to choose: penises or morals?
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
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