It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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