I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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