I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
