If I go to jail what happens to my debt?
You dont have to pay it.
I'm going to jail.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
Is it penis luge time yet?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Pants are for mortals
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
