So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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