I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I deserve this hangover.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Randomize
