yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
