I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
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