I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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