bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
