Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
