I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
sarcasm needs its own font
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Randomize
