Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
