New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Randomize
