you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Randomize
