my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
