capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
Randomize
