Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
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