I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
